


monstrous by design

by peachsneakers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (more implied than anything), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Cuddling, Food, Hurt Deceit | Janus Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Tries, Nightmares, Protective Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Self-Harm, Sexual Innuendoes, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Light Sides (Sanders Sides), dukeceit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26190808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: Janus and Remus messed up. They know they did. Janus can't go within two feet of Patton without flinching, Virgil and Patton's relationship is broken, and the others are a mess. Not to mention Patton's own intrusive thoughts. They never meant to hurt everyone. But what happens to their acceptance if they admit the truth?sequel to"monster in the making"
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 35
Kudos: 96





	monstrous by design

He should be happy.

Janus repeats that to himself, curled up in one corner of the sofa, knitted blanket sprawled over his lap. He should be _happy_. He got what he wanted. He and Remus both did. They're- well, perhaps 'accepted' is a strong word still, but they're well on their way. After he revealed his name, everything changed. After the nightmare, Patton's accepted them both with open arms.

Of course, Janus still can't be within two feet of Patton without suppressing the urge to flinch. Of course, Patton's still-bandaged hand makes guilt and shame curdle unpleasantly in his stomach, every time he looks at it. He didn't expect Patton to react so strongly. Neither of them did. He's horrified when he discovers why Patton's hand is wrapped in blood-spattered gauze, why Patton's bathroom is off limits for the foreseeable future. Why Patton doesn't trust himself around needles or knives or scissors anymore.

Remus is horrified, too, in a different way. They've discussed it under the covers in Janus's room, late at night, in hushed tones. Janus can sense lies. Remus, on the other hand- Remus can sense intrusive thoughts. And Patton is a _beacon_ of them, in a way he never has been before. _Jump out of the car. Stab yourself. Stitch your own mouth shut. Hurt yourself. Hurt yourself. Hurt yourself. You know it's all you deserve._

Remus doesn't know what to do. Janus doesn't, either. The nightmare was supposed to be unsettling, but it wasn't supposed to be like _this_. Virgil and Patton's relationship is strained now. Virgil hunches his shoulders and makes up excuses to leave the room, little white lies that burn Janus's tongue and fill Patton's eyes with resigned sadness. Truthfully, Patton's relationship with _everyone_ is strained now, and Janus doesn't know what to _do_. 

Then again, what did he expect? He berates himself, unseeing eyes staring at the flickering television screen. Remus's nightmares are _horrifying_. It was _supposed_ to be dulled down, made more palatable for Thomas, but it _wasn't_ and neither of them know exactly what went wrong.

And it's not like they can just go up and casually ask the others. He _wants_ to tell the others that he and Remus were behind the nightmare, but will it completely jeopardize their already precarious acceptance? What if it means Thomas _never_ accepts them? He can- begrudgingly- withstand the other sides not accepting him. He doesn't think he can survive _Thomas_ rejecting him. Not like this.

His mouth aches and one gloved hand drifts up to rub at his lips. Still unblemished. Blinking furiously, his eyes dart around, searching for any hint of needle. Nothing. There's nothing, just like there's always been nothing, and he relaxes infinitesimally. Remus, sprawled next to him, looks up, one hand sneaking over and squeezing his. 

"Are you all right?" Remus mouths at him, unusually subdued. Janus nods, trying to project reassurance at the other side. For all the guilt he feels, Remus feels it ten times more, if only for the fact that _Janus_ ended up trapped in the nightmare.

"-I just don't understand Remy's deal," Roman's voice comes floating down the stairs, freezing Janus in place. "I mean, I talked to him that day! He acted like everything was fine! And then- _that_!"

"I'm sure he had his reasons," Logan says calmly. "It might not have been his fault, you know. Nightmares just happen sometimes, according to both you and Remy."

"Yes, but like _that_?" Roman asks, clearly skeptical. "That was no ordinary nightmare, that was- oh hello." His words jangle to a stop as he comes to the foot of the stairs and sees Janus and Remus, awkwardly poised on the sofa.

Not trusting his voice to speak, Janus raises one hand and twiddles his fingers.

"Hey, Rolo!" Remus says, combining both sides' names. Logan grimaces, but doesn't actually look angry. Roman just huffs a breath.

"Sorry about that," Roman says. "I uh, didn't mean for anyone else to hear."

"It's fine, Roman," Janus says, willing his voice to remain steady. The guilt feels like it's going to eat him alive, sinking vicious claws deep into his stomach and crawling up his throat.

Roman and Logan keep going, disappearing down the hallway. Janus glances at Remus, the same thought writ large across both their faces.

Without a word, they sink out into Janus's room.

"We have to tell them," Janus says, his voice shaking. "We- Remy can't be blamed for what _we_ did."

"How can we even tell them?" Remus asks, wild-eyed. "They'll _hate_ us, I- I used to think I could handle being hated for the rest of my life, but now-" He stops, one hand fisting in his hair and tugging at it. "Patton's getting worse," he says abruptly. "He shouldn't be left alone."

"And I can't make myself go near him," Janus whispers, shame clogging his throat. "It's my fault, but I-" 

"Hey, no, no, Double D, it's okay," Remus reassures him, tugging him into his lap. "Maybe they'll understand."

"Maybe Thomas will learn to fly," Janus mutters. Remus perks up at the thought.

"Do you think so?" He asks eagerly. "We could always jump off a building and test it out! Either he flies or goes splat when he hits the ground! Win/win!"

"Not really, babe," Janus says dryly. "And no, I was being facetious. I don't think Thomas will ever learn to fly."

"His loss," Remus grumbles. He leans down and kisses Janus's temple. "We'll uh, we'll figure it out. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a chainsaw in my eye."

"What a charming mental image," Janus says, although privately, he's glad that Remus didn't say 'needle.' Remus grins at him, but his eyes are shadowed.

"What are we gonna do, Jan Jan?" Remus asks in a tiny voice.

"I have no idea," Janus admits.


End file.
